Blocked?

I've never thought of myself as a blocked writer, because whenever I want to write I can. I have never ending ideas, and the well doesn't feel dry for me.

But tonight I am reading chapter two of Julia Cameron's wonderful book The Artists Way, and I've had a bit of an eye opener!

The truth is I haven't worked on my main novel for a long time, and though I have done bits and pieces of writing and did send a story out to Alfie Dog fiction which they published on line, called 'Remaining silent'...I AM actually pretty blocked, stay with me I will explain.

I always thought blocked was can't write, stuck for ideas, nothings coming, the lights on but nobody's home...but a new understanding of blocked has come to me as Julia talks hard truths about 'crazy makers' and the way we 'use' each other.

I have blamed and bemoaned the fact that I write so little on account of my health issues, which to be fair it probably is largely to do with that.  I am recovering from very long term ME, which apart from having Doctors insult me for 14 long years about my health issues, it turns out that I have had some pretty serious problems going on, and a vast array of them, least of which include the fact that my cells don't make or recycle enough ATP, which is basically energy!

All this affects my focus, and my ability to just sit and work, to push through and get on with anything. As I type there is so much washing up in my kitchen not one bit of surface space is visible. It's choices, do I write this blog and have a bath, or do I wash up. I don't have the energy resources to do them all, frankly I've chosen this. I haven't written a blog in nearly a year. The washing up can wait.

So my health issues do get in the way of my writing, but as I unravel the psychology side of my condition, which obviously is important (and I feel validated to do it now I don't have GP's telling me it's in my head) I can see some important connections between my creativity, and my belief system and the things that are unhelpful in my life and the reasons that I allow them.

I'm not blocked for ideas or inspiration, but I'm blocked in what I believe about myself as a creative, and I avoid this and keep myself blocked by choosing (or I have done in the past) what Julia calls 'crazy makers'. Destructive ego centred people who's 'drama' is distracting and energy sucking.

If I'm really honest, and I was brutally honest with myself, I saw that to a degree I have been a 'crazy maker' to my boyfriend, also a creative, a deeply talented one. Always some crisis with my health, just when he has set time aside to work on his music...

But here's the thing, I can also see that he has used me as his 'avoidance' also. We have both been blocked. Blocked as in an unconscious self destructive pattern of allowing and creating distraction in our lives, because we are willing to go to any lengths to stay blocked because of the alternative...

The threatening and at times terrifying challenge of living a creative life of our own and achieving success in our chosen field.

"Our crazy maker is a block we choose for ourselves to avoid our own trajectory" Julia says, and I agree.

The crisis of my long term ill health, and being in an unhelpful dynamic with another blocked creative, who mutually use one another unconsciously and create distraction from the thing we are both afraid of, really cuts off my creative energy and leaves me wiped out, miserable and frustrated. This is not a comfortable realisation.

It's a brave and courageous life to live as a creative. To give up the securities that others enjoy (until or unless one is successful). The self discipline one needs to have, the strength to cope with rejections and, for me, to be any writer at all I have to reveal myself, be willing to be vulnerable and authentic in my work 9and relationships), and that's risky and scary.

My partner and I are having a brief time out, a successful decision really, one that has led me to come realisations like this. We will be much better together unblocked and self aware. We just needed some space to break the pattern, and break it we hopefully will.

For me, I need to be aware of the self destructive choices I make to give my energy where I should preserve it. It's important as creatives who we choose to spend time with and be around. Drama and negativity suck energy, suck creative energy clean away and replace it with more 'block,' more distraction from the creative life that would make us fullfilled.

I got the following quote for Brene Browns book 'The gifts of imperfection'...

"Don't ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

In the movie 'The Dark Crystal,' the baddies (Skeksis) suck all the life energy from the little people called Gelflins (who are very pretty also, and mostly look like Victoria Beckham!) and they walk around grey and sad inside, listless and apathetic.

I think a lot of people feel like this, and don't realise how the choices we make, the boundaries we don't have, and the inability to protect or even believe we deserve to protect ourselves and our creative life force, from the negative destructive energy of some of the people in our lives, means we walk around grey like the Gelflins.

I want to take responsibility for my God given gift of creativity, be honest with myself and start creating a creative life of my own, bravely allowing myself to be unblocked and walk into the mystery of what will unfold with a heart of faith rather than fear...

And now that bath...nurturing self is very good for creativity! (Even if the kitchen stinks!)