Hurrah!

So since I last wrote 2 days ago, I have made a start!

Yesterday I did a final edit on a short story called 'Remaining Silent.'

I also reviewed a piece I began work on when I was doing Lynne Barrett-Lee's short story writing course at Cardiff University 'Telling Tales' (I highly recommend this course). I'd like to develop this piece into a short story.

Today I worked on a short story I also began on the above mentioned course called 'Smells like May' which I like as it's written in the 2nd person, a style I enjoy because I love the energy and immediacy it produces, and also that it's not used that often so it feels quite fresh.

I also read the first 3 weeks worth of notes from the Telling Tales course and wrote all the key points up on the wall (I use lining wallpaper and pin it to the wall, something I learned whilst doing my Degree in Acting. Big piece of plain paper for scrawling on and brainstorming, I find the movement helps my creative process, and writing things big in colour gets my brain juices going!)

I then had an idea to write some backstory for one of the main characters in my novel. I'd like to develop him and give him more depth. The female character in my novel is so fully realised that you are straight in there with her, and on her journey, but the guy not as much and I don't think I did enough work on him in my planning...

Well let's face it, I didn't do any planning. I wrote the opening lines of the novel on a napkin on one of the rare occasions I was able to leave the house, about 14 years ago, just after I first collapsed and became housebound!

I wrote the novel little by little over the years, on bits of paper when I was able to sit up in bed.  Sometimes when I couldn't sleep until 4am, I would grab a piece of paper and just write down the characters thoughts, sometimes I'd manage to write a whole scene.

Sometimes I wouldn't write anything for months, or even a year and then a few years back I stayed with some friends for a long spell, and they cared for me, cooked for me, and it meant I could use the strength I had to try and piece all the thousands of bits of paper together into some kind of coherent narrative.

It took several months, but I did it.

But now I have a six part novel, that needs serious editing, and I find the prospect completely overwhelming. It seems just too much to try and hold in my head, when concentration is so tough anyway.

I have learned a lot about the planning process and would never write a book the same way I did that one! I wonder wether to write a different book using the planning skill's I've learned and maybe go back to the first one when my health and stamina is much improved?

Procrastination! Yuk.

Anyway, I have made a wonderful start, and it feels so empowering to be able to sit at a desk again, even if it is only for a short while. I have been productive!

The fear creeps in, 'how long will it last?' and the answer is I don't know, but I do know that I'm learning new skills to manage my health condition and support my body's systems.

I may not be able to do some writing every day, but I can keep being honest about my process in this blog, and do what I can. I can just show up and see what happens.

Some Kind of Start, Methinks...

Sadly my health nosedived around the time of my last blog post back in January, and I have not done any creative writing since.

In my list of reasons I wrote at the start of the year, as I thought about things that distract me, health problems were on the list.

I don't want to dwell on that much, it is what it is, but I've been thinking about how to start writing again, when I feel so out of that space and I guess full of all the self doubt I had when I wrote the distractions list.  Writing that list got me started, so I thought why don't I blog about the 'not' writing?

Perhaps it will free me up to write again.

Get the bogies out of my unconscious into the light where I can see them.

I suppose the disappointment of finding myself too unwell to focus or sit at the desk was really hard. It felt devastating.  It's happened more times that I can count.

I had started to get a flow going, started building stamina that I hoped would take me back to being able to have a go at editing my novel. I so want to finish that thing!!

I also had categorised every idea or piece, including just notes, for stories and projects I had written dating back to when i was a kid, and I could see I had an impressive body of work to get stuck into.

I had started to believe in moments that I could actually do this, be an author who produced regular work.

What my work needs is hours, time. To put in the hours, to persevere, to go over to get the standard as it needs to be. My health condition has meant so little energy, and being able to work up to an hour at most. Super frustrating.

Now I am slowly recovering, very slowly. I am also advised not to push myself as my Mitochondria (the energy component of the human cell) needs to recover from the relapse I have had.

So, how do I start writing again, with limited energy and focus, when one needs to get the flow going and 'get into it', which takes about the time I'd have to work?

Do I just accept that until I recover more I just cant put in the time at a desk? Do I at least start blogging again? (my brain really needs something to think about outside my recovery).

Do I just start reading the first draft of my novel, meaning I don't have to be sitting at my desk?

The answer is, I really don't know.

But here's a good thing...I've been threatening to start blogging again for a couple of weeks now, and today, even if it was right before bed, I have done it!

Some kind of start, methinks...

So Much to Say!

One of the things I find really frustrating, is that I have so much I want to write about, and so many project ideas, sometimes I don't know where to start.

I constantly have new ideas, and ideas for my older ideas...

I'm passionate about so many things, and want to explore them through writing.

When will I ever find the time and energy for all these projects?

I have a novel that needs a lot of editing, that I want to finish to standard, and send off. It's a rites of passage novel, about drug addiction and it's repercussions.

I also have rough outlines, I want to turn into clear detailed coherent outlines for 4 books, that have themes of soldiers, Afghanistan and the many ways that impacts all individuals involved.

I also have limited time per day that I can concentrate mentally and get any work done.

Then there's short stories to adapt, finish and prepare for sending off...

All around me there are stories and inspiration, things that matter, things I want to explore.

I feel frustrated by my own limitations.  Yes frustrated.

I want to do so much!

Don't we all.

I guess I will just make a start and do what I can today.

Oh, and I found the first novel I ever wrote yesterday.  It's dated, but there's some really juicy stuff in there and I had a idea of how to re write it.  I even had a new title for it, and into my head last night popped the theme. It was exciting, and I thought;

      I need about 10 lives all happening at once so I can do all these projects!

I guess I need to decide what's burning the most.  What project is the kid in the class with it's hand up, bursting, and yelling, "Pick me!"

Perhaps a little 'cultivating patience' is required too. (Smile).

How I love William.

Throughout my life people have tried to teach me to understand Shakespeare.

Some have been more successful than others.

I have read books. I have a degree in Acting from Middlesex University.  I have been in various productions of Shakespeare and even played Hamlet.

I understand some of his plays better than others, in this I doubt I am alone.

Sometimes I don't really understand at all and yet the language still moves me, the rhythm, the words.

It can be quite a profound experience for me.

Hamlet is my favourite.  Endless brilliant quotes from various characters, that role off the tongue, speak truths and make philosophers of us all.

Today I wanted to share my favourite sonnet.  The language and meaning of which impacts me in ways I cannot articulate, and wont, so you can have your own response.

I will say this. I'd read and liked this sonnet for a long time before the day I read it and GOT IT, like a thwump in the heart, some flower opening up inside and releasing it's scent.

Enjoy!

Sonnet 29.

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Trusting the Discovery.

One of the most important things I'm learning about being a writer is that it's about discovery, not control.

It's been said to me that writers have a lot of control, and in some ways that is true.

We can make characters live or die, by the choices we make in what we write.  Create babies and bring new life; send stories down any path conceivable.

With a pen and paper/keyboard and screen, we can be a little 'like God'.

However, I seem to write the most effective and powerful pieces when I show up at the desk, and enter the unknown prepared to discover.  Trusting that something will be created from nothing.  That it isn't all about me.

Create. A verb
1. to bring into existence
2. to cause something to happen as a result of one's actions.

Into existence.

Cause something to happen.

This is not to say that I don't have some kind of plan, or a strong idea of what I want to say, or the theme I am going to explore.  I may even be quite clear about a character.

I may have a structure of the story or novel.  Or I may have none of these things, and start with nothing, trusting that even the planning will come.

I start somewhere, and like an act of faith,  I trust that I will discover how this story unfolds, how the theme is explored, how this journey takes place.

Before I saw it like this, I was too afraid to start anything.  Too afraid "I couldn't do it" (as I shared at the start of the year).

Tasks just felt too big for me.  My ego couldn't take the pressure.

My good friend and actress Sarah Baron, has asked me to write a one woman show for her to perform in a festival in Scotland in June.

We just spent some time together talking over, brainstorming and making notes about the theme of the piece, the characters, where it's set, what we want to say basically.

Now I have to write it.  I have to write a 25 min piece, with 4 different characters, that has redemption, engages an audience, tells a story, and serves our theme.

That's the sort of thing that would normally have me hiding in the nearest vat of chocolate.

But not when I choose to trust the discovery, and put in the sweat.

I have not got a clue what to write, and I'm a bit scared about it.

But I recognise that there is work and planning I can do, and then it's an act of faith again. It's just showing up, trusting in what I've learned along the way, and that I do have some skill as a writer, and just begin.

It's a sort of spiritual experience.

I read it somewhere, or heard another writer say, that it's like the thing is already written somewhere 'up there,' and I'm just showing up to tune in and channel it into being 'here'.

So I think being a writer is not about control and power. It's about the creative process of just showing up, of trusting, of knowing it will happen, of entering the unknown and discovering.

Show up. Start somewhere.  Trust the discovery.

An Economy of Words

Years ago, I did a short training course in counselling.

It was the pre-course as it were to the main training, which I decided wasn't for me.

However on the course I did, we were paired up in groups in an exercise on learning how we impact and affect other people.

My partner had to describe two things about his experience of me during the exercise, one positive and one negative.

His description was, 'too many words,' & 'makes me feel hope.'

I was reminded of this, this morning as I thought about my writing. Editing is my least favourite part of the process, and the part I find the hardest.

I hope to cultivate what I am calling, 'an economy of words.'

I hope to be more focused in the words I choose, as I go along. Making editing a more enjoyable process, and hopefully raising the standard of my work.

As a writer, I would much rather be someone who has 'too many words,' than not enough. (Though that would have been unhelpful as a therapist!)

It seems to me, I always have something to say, about just about anything.  And I want to use that to my advantage in a writing career.

I want to make sure I communicate effectively to the reader, my intention.  So I'd like to choose my words carefully, and punctuate well!

My agenda with writing is very much people focused.  When I trained as an Actor, we were taught constantly that it is all about serving an audience and not our own ego!

 So I love the idea that I could make people feel hope.  I would be very happy if anything I wrote made anyone feel hope.

C.S Lewis said, 'We read to know we are not alone.'  This encapsulates one of my main reasons and focuses for writing.  To give back what I have received from the writing of others.

To identify, to learn, to escape and be entertained. To share the experience of being human in all it's brokenness and beauty.

So, moving forward, I am choosing to be mindful about the words I use to communicate what I am trying to say.

Twitter and Facebook are good practice, as one needs to really choose one's words. Twitter only allows you a few, and peoples attention span of Facebook is very short.  There's a reason photos get the most likes!

My first novel, is around 60,000 words too long.  It's easy to see why I keep putting that job off!

As I cultivate the discipline of 'an economy of words', I'm sure it will get easier to edit.  I hope my skill will increase, and I will be quick to get rid of what is not needed to serve the story and complete a piece of work.

One down, Nineteen to go.

Today I finished a short story.

This may not sound like much, but for me it is.

I'm good at starting stories and novels.  I have hundreds of idea's, and seem to take inspiration from all around me, and everything I see and hear.

Structuring a narrative, and working through to the end of a story or piece, is not one of my strengths. Until now.  This year I have to turn a weakness into a strength.

So I sat down and started this story.  Decided what I was going to explore, and if I'm really honest, it sort of wrote itself.

I've done a re write, and a tidy.  It's still too long 2,337 words.  But I'll re read it in a few days, again in a week, and keep tightening it up and clarifying what I'm saying through these characters.

I kept it simple on that front.  A wife and husband character, and the wife's sister.  I think simple is good for short stories.

So my aim is to create a file of 20 short stories that I can send to women's magazines and competitions.  I want to work towards having 20 stories 'out there'.

So I have 19 to go!

It's scary and exciting at the same time.  Exciting because I have so much material to choose from, and so many possible ideas and themes to explore.  Scary because although it seems that writers have a lot of control, anything half decent that I ever write seems to happen, when I let go of that control and enter a space of discovery.

So a little celebration at my first story in the file, which ironically is entitled 'Truly Amazing'.

Morning Pages.

This morning I wrote my morning pages.

Most mornings I write my morning pages, and when I most feel like not writing them, is often when I need to most.

I learned about morning pages from Julia Cameron, in her brilliant book 'The Artists Way', which I highly recommend to anyone who is wanting to express themselves creatively through any artistic means. Writing, music, art, etc.  (My boyfriend is a songwriter and I bought it for him one christmas!)

She explains it thoroughly in her book, but it is basically the discipline of writing three pages when you wake up in the morning.

Three pages of anything, any ole drivel or thoughts, that are floating round your mind. Food shopping lists, the dream you had, the worries on your waking mind.

It's kind of like when I made chicken stock for soups. (I don't profess to be any kind of cook, other than the shove it in and hope for the best kind of cook, but I followed my mothers instructions).  I boiled the bones etc in the water, let it sit and go cold, then I scooped the fatty scummy stuff off the top.

Morning pages scoops the fatty scummy stuff off my brain.

It clears the way.

It brings clarity.

It free's me up.

Some may not think as much, about as much, as I do, but my brain really needs this.  It's like it breaths a heavy sigh of relief, like putting the shopping down on the kitchen floor after a walk from the supermarket.

I sort a lot of my emotions and concerns out on those pages, just through a stream of consciousness, pouring in out.

I find it gives me a clearer and greater emotional intelligence in my writing, and helps me be more clear about what I'm wanting to explore with particular characters.

It seems that if I'm clear about my characters and who they are, and what I want to explore about who they are, the story almost writes itself...

They tell it. (I'll explore this in another post).

Anyway, in truth I don't write my pages every morning, it is also true that I notice the difference when I don't.

This year I have a desire to cultivate disciplines that bring about a freer, and more fulfilled life.

It's not a rule, to write them (who likes yukky rules, not me), but a desire to cultivate the discipline of it.

Cultivate.

Discipline.

I like those words.

A routine that works.

This morning as I wrote my 'Morning pages' (Julia Cameron - The Artists way), I pondered the need for finding a routine with my writing, that works with my personality, and my needs.

I have observed that many writers work in many different ways.  Someone I know goes away for several days and writes solid, day and night and hardly sleeps or eats anything, but literally can get a whole first draft of a book done during that time.

If I did this, I would be in a hospital at the end of it!

My reality is that I am still living with Chronic fatigue syndrome, but am refusing to let it own me and shape my life anymore. It does not mean I cannot live a life I enjoy more, or that I cannot create a career for myself.

It does not mean I cannot be a published writer. Period.

Laura Hillenbrand, the author of Sea biscuit and Unbroken, also has the condition, and has managed the things that I am aiming for.  Someone has walked this road before me, and shown me IT CAN BE DONE.

So I will do it.

I also don't want it to define me as a person or a writer, so I don't mention it much, and probably wont again, unless it's really relevant.

Writers with no health issue at all still face the same dilema's, as I saw in a recent documentary about Ian Rankin.  We have to apply self discipline, over come doubt and get the thing done.  Get the words on paper.

So, having reflected on and considered the things that get in my way, and acknowledging my needs and limitations, I am in the process of creating a routine that works.

A very real challenge for me, is that because I don't have a 'job', I spend a lot of time alone, too much really, and then writing is a solitary thing, so I need to strike a balance. I will talk about this more in a future post.

For today, I have decided that once I am up I will
- Write my morning pages (I will talk about morning pages in my next post), which gets all the clay out of my head.
- I will eat my breakfast.
- I will sit at my desk and write my blog for the day.
- I will have a rest and hot drink.
- I will make a start.

That's as far as I have got, apart from remembering that screen writer Richard Curtis says he always ends his working day with something he can pick straight up on the next day, and not at the end of something.

I think this is true of me.

I felt excited about writing today, because I have a story very roughly handwritten and want to type it up and start rejigging it today.  So there isn't a feeling I've got to make the earth move and bring something into being that does not exist yet - no pressure.

Once I've made a start, I will do what I can, take a break and repeat.  Some days I may only be able to work for 10 or 20 minutes, but I once wrote a whole short story in 20 minutes, and it didn't need much editing.  Granted, I've no idea where it came from, and one can't rely on that sort of inspiration!

I'm just saying, all things are possible and where time is concerned I need to remember it can be quality rather than quantity.  This encourages me.

I will charter my progress with this in future blog posts...right now it's time for a cuppa I believe!

A change in stereotyping.

Today I watched an old black and white film starring Bette Davis called 'Of Human Bondage,' in which she plays a poor, ill tempered, cruel, selfish, violent waitress, who's choices lead her to a lung cancer death on a brothel floor.

Nice.

what was interesting to me, was that all the characters in the film we were supposed to like and sympathise with, were well spoken, and Bette's hateful vile character, had a strong cockney London accent.

I made a joke on facebook this week about the way all Tolkien's badies, including trolls, have cockney accents.

It was initially in jest, but today I started thinking a little deeper.

I've been reading books by Brene Brown, who is a 'shame researcher', and talks about the way what we read, see and watch in our culture, shapes the way we see ourselves and others.

I myself have always had a strong London, some might call cockney accent, and feel I have had to fight against stereotypes through out my life.

I worked in film and TV as a background artist in my 20's, sometimes accepting walk on roles. Then I auditioned for and aquired a place at drama school.  Peoples responses to me were mostly negative when I told them what I was doing, they used to say "What, are you going to be in Eastenders?"

I am not a wealthy person, I have also struggled with confidence in what I do, believing I can use my intelligence and be successful, or that I even have a right to.  I've described it to friends as a poverty mentality.

I realised that I've spent a life time of taking in messages from books, films, TV & advertising, that the only way people who speak the way I do get wealthy is through some kind of crime, and that the rest of us remain poor, struggling for money and lacking in intelligence.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a chip on my shoulder thing, this is an observational thing.  Anyone, any person at all, if they wanted to think about it, could recognise the messages society delivers to them in particular through stereotyping.

It's even accepted.  Don't go against the norm.  People expect certain kinds of things and elements to what they read.

But I feel a responsibility to go against stereotypes in my writing, surely some of us have to. It's time for  a change!

My own first novel, has a protagonist who has a cockney accent, but no academia!  In fairness she's very bright with incredible emotional intelligence.  But as a writer, I myself have been following the stereotypes I have received and understood.

On a personal level, it's an important realisation.

Working class people with my accent are depicted as dysfunctional, criminal, in possession of ASBO's, struggling for money, in debt, mouthy and loud, lacking decorum to mention a few on a very long negative list, lacking in success, up to no good of some kind, seedy, prostitutes...

Even Eliza Doolittle was only 'acceptable' as a lady when she changed the way she spoke...nothing else would 'do'.

There will of course be some exceptions, but I'm talking about the underlying messages we all receive through media.

I have struggled to be proud of being working class, cockney Londoner, and it's easy to see why, when you take a lot at the societal depiction.

I have to confess to feeling ashamed of how I speak, and I can see why.

As a actress I trained in voice, and could quite easily change the way I speak for good if I wanted to, but for some reason it's never felt right to do that, it's felt fake, or conformity, and conformity isn't freedom.

For now I will be mindful about the way in which is stereotype in the things that I write.  I can't promise not to do it, it's in my bones, the way it's in us all, but I think that awareness can bring change.

A proverb

Yesterday I did a lot of blogging which felt really helpful and positive.

I wanted to set myself a little writing exercise to do on the spot,  just to get another part of my creative brain working.

So after making sure I had printed up all of the notes from Lynnes' "Telling tales" course, I decided to start reading them from the start like a book.

In week one our exercise was to write a contemporary story based on a proverb, or fable, or parable.

I have a bible in my office, which I grabbed and decided to open it on Proverbs and which ever one caught my eye, write a contemporary story.

I opened it on chapter 29 v 18 "Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint.."

I had fun.

I went down the 'sister with restraint, dealing with sister without it' road. The visionless sister, you could say.

It flowed and I enjoyed myself.

It doesn't always flow like that, and Lynne's taught a lot about planning, which I found helpful and good for recognising there doesn't have to be any writers block. I think on this occasion I felt clear about what I wanted to say and why, very quickly.

Perhaps now I'll implement some of the planning things to get the structure going on, and the narrative clearer.  It may need to be longer too, and my theme explored.

Given what I wrote yesterday about root themes, I think this one is possibly helplessness. It does however have humour in there.

I was thinking women's magazines, and truly a lot of my stuff would be a little gloomy for them.

I seem to explore loss a lot in my writing, and things like addiction. In my 20's I wrote a lot of comedy though, so I'd like to see a return to that this year.

I love the way Lynne has helped me see the ways in which a person can become a writer, and the discipline one can learn and implement, so that I am not reliant on 'flow', or limited to only writing what I feel inspired to write.

I like the idea of writing for a particular marketplace.  Of the discipline of using my skill to meet a particular need. It feels very businesslike, and I love a bit of that.

Guess what? I'm starting to believe I can do this! (re read this line Kel, on your doubting days!)

A start...a vision.

A start.

Yesterday I managed to write a short story (Yey). I say write, I did a first rough draft, and it will need plenty of work, but it felt good!

I think the list I wrote regarding distractions, that really turned into something else, helped a lot. I may need to re visit that list regularly to remind myself.  It amazes me still, how powerful awareness can be to instigate positive change.

I also think I let the fact that my spelling and punctuation are pretty sucky, put me off, or make me feel I will fall short and be exposed as a bit stupid.

It's more that they are not perfect.

It's true what I wrote, that I put ridiculously high expectations on myself.  It's also true that as a writer, I need to be really good at those things, as it's important, but I don't need to allow them to block me moving forward in my career.

A vision.

So, the start was so important to me because it moved me forward in my vision, in my hearts desire, which is to become a paid and published writer this year.

My strategy for this vision is as follows..

1. To make a list of writing competitions happening this year that would be suitable for me to enter, and enter at least one a month.

(This also includes looking at what the competitions require and writing stories/pieces or revamping pieces I've already written, and getting them sent off. This will really boost my confidence and get me into the habit of having a continuous flow of work being sent out. My objective is that it may build some visability for my work, if any pieces are successful, and some income however small, and be something I could include in letters to agents.)

2. To work on a body of short stories suitable for the women's magazine market.

(I could also send short stories that I've sent to competitions, in to women's magazines, but I cannot do this the other way round as once I've been paid for a story I cannot publish it elsewhere).

3. To work on editing my first full novel to a high standard and get it sent off to an agent.  Even if it's only one! It will do something to my thinking, and my brain will go "well we did it once we can do it again!"

(which applies to both finishing a novel and getting it sent out with a good cover letter, and correct presentation).

4. Do some work on some of the other Novels I have started working on, the ones I feel strongly "have legs."

5. Continue to work on things like punctuation, spelling, building stamina for how long I can read and concentrate for.  This will enable me to do more work and enhance my chances of creating work of a high enough standard for publishing.

6. To go through the backlog of work I have done over the years, get everything filed, and sort out what has potential for development.  In particular getting together groups of short stories for both competitions and magazines.

7. To complete Lynne Barret-Lee's ten week course on novel writing, which I have done once before, and use this time to work on more potential stories (as we will have short homework assignments) or getting together my Novel idea's "with legs" and developing them further.

(My objective here is to continue to improve the standard and originality of my work and it's presentation).

The root theme of a story.

I have been attending courses at Cardiff University,  taught by the writer Lynne Barrett-Lee.  I just completed her ten week course 'Telling tales', on short story writing, and am making my way through the notes from each week.

She writes 'Taken back to it's roots....a piece of fiction is there to illustrate a fact, or group of facts.  A universal truth, very often, in the case of proverbs and aphorisms, a piece of important religious teaching, in the form of a parable, and the case of a fable, an example of an accepted moral code'.

This started me thinking about the root theme of a story. I sometimes have trouble pinpointing what mine are, which can lead me to go off on too many tangents, and get overwhelmed by my own story, short or long (novel) which then makes everything a nightmare to edit, and I'm back in the land of welcoming any distraction.

I recently saw Peters Jackson's new film 'The Hobbit', a classic and favourite. So I sat here thinking about the true root theme of that story, which is evident really clearly, even though this is essentially the first part of a three part telling of the whole story.

It's HOME.

That's the basic human thing, that any reader or watcher can relate to, however unconsciously or consciously.

The Dwarfs have no home, no land to call their own, and they need help to reclaim it.  Bilbo Baggins is afraid, but he overcomes his fear because he has a home, and knows how important it is to him, so he understands their quest, and he wants to help.  He wants them to have what he has, and he's willing to take a big risk because of it.

It reminded me of the plight of the people of Israel, and I wondered if because Tolkien was a Christian, if his story was even a parable of biblical history.  The Israelites have been without a home, a land to call their own..I lack the political and historical knowledge to get into that too deep, it was just a thought.

Still, we all need a place to call home, even if that place is inside of us, and not a physical place. It's a universal theme that anyone could identify with, and therefore a great theme for a story, a world, and characters to be built on.

COURAGE is another very strong theme in the story, but with out the quest for HOME, there would be no need for courage.

So understanding my root theme, for a short story, or a novel that I'm writing is important, and may be another key in creating a consistent working environment, where things are completed to a standard and put 'out there'.

To summarise, the root theme is the one that gives any other theme it's purpose for being.

Distraction?

I thought it might help to make a list of the things that distract me from writing.

1.  Tiredness - foggy head.

This is a symptom of a health condition I am still recovering from, and probably the number one enemy, when it comes to distractions, or perhaps we could call this one a reason, to not write - pretty legitimate perhaps.

2. An underlying fear of failure, success, judgement and criticism.

This one's tricky, as it is possibly impossible not to encounter at least three of these, and frequently! still were just naming things here, shining a light on them if you will.

3. The fear that I can't do it, that nothing will come, that no one would possibly want to read what I have written, let alone pay for it.

OK, so the list has surprised me so far, it doesn't seem to be distractions, more fears and beliefs, things at the root of why I allow myself to be distracted, or just don't write at all!

4. Bills and admin.

This is a distraction, it takes time and energy, and seems to take my creative energy and shoot it in the head.  Especially when it's a problem that drags on and on, like my internet speed having dropped off and the post office wanting me to run tests for 72 hours before they will send an engineer.

5. Stuff that needs doing including eating, cooking, cleaning, washing, dressing, clothes washing and the list goes on.

Unlike some writers, because of my health, I cannot stay up all night when I'm in the zone, or skip food to soldier on. I have to take really good care of myself, and I have to eat something every couple of hours.

6. Lack of ability to stay focused.

I have literally wondered if I have A.D.D.  Right from school I was a restless, fidgety creature.  I used to have the ability to focus on one thing and blot everything else out, to a point that was obsessional.  But obsession isn't very healthy, and I want to be a healthy writer!

7. My neighbours dog barking it's head off for 4 hours non stop.

In fairness that would distract the dead.

8. Phones and people knocking on the door/ emails that need a reply.

The solution to this one is easy. This is one of those where I allow myself to be distracted due to some of the things on this list. I once started reading the whole booklet on how to do a tax return because I thought it would be good to know everything about the Inland Revenue..I quickly realised that I would rather do anything than edit my novel, because deep down I was afraid I couldn't do it!

9. Fear of change.

Interesting...

10. The belief that I don't deserve to do the thing I love to do, or be paid for it, or be fulfilled or have any wealth, success or talent - because then people wont like me, and I will have to face rejection.

Where did that come from?! Man that's deep. Is it true....?

I think I learned growing up that work was something you were supposed to hate, that made you stressed and miserable and ill, but you had to exist this way to pay the rent and put food on the table.

11. Ridiculously high expectations I put on myself.

Yep, just need to allow myself a process of something messy and sketchy, that with work turns into something of a higher standard. Instead of everything I put on paper needing to be potential for The Man Booker Prize.

I have been totally surprised by this list and am starting to sense that distraction is not the problem at all...Dr. Phil (On Oprah) used to say "You can't change what you don't acknowledge"

List acknowledged!

Making threats.

So.  My words for this year, FOCUS and DISCIPLINE.  My reality of last year, DISTRACTION. The Queen of actually. I decided that if there were a small Island somewhere called distraction, I would indeed be the Queen of it, crown and everything.

I have been a bully of words, I threaten them to be written but I do not write them.

I threaten manuscripts to be edited, but I do not edit them.

I threaten shorts stories to be finished, and they cower in the corner of my office trembling, but I do not finish them.

I threaten myself, that I will be a published writer, and yet I am not.

All this needs to change.

I need to stop threatening like bullies do, and choose to focus, choose to discipline myself (sit in the chair even if I only scratch my nose) and choose to embrace and do, however little, make a start. Practice intent and do.

After all, I believe that really is the only difference between published and unpublished writers. Unless of course your work isn't very good.  If that's true of me, then I'll just make it better.

Who was it said genius is only 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, or something like that?!

I'm getting started with a commitment to do this blog most days of the week, even if it's just to be honest about the distractions. Hey don't they say to know your enemy...I feel the next blog coming on.